Trend Alert: Fugly Nylon Longchamp Bags

According to my Red Line-riding pal Erin, there's been a megatrend of chicks on the Boston T rocking these totally fug nylon bags by the brand Longchamp:FYI: Unless you are hauling diapers or corrected 3rd grade test papers, there is no excuse for this bag.

Now, I've heard of buying the smallest Coach bag on earth just because it's Coach, or even carrying the plastic store bag of a pricy designer just to appear as if you grabbed any plastic bag and you're so posh that that one came up by chance in a heap of other posh plastic bags (telltale fading aside), but seriously - I draw the line at purchasing something ugly as hell just because it's got a label. And in this case - double WTF - who even cares about Longchamp??!

[Photo by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott]

Now that their hot new ad (above) has launched, I may or may not be changing my tune about the brand's chic-itude. But the nylon bag is still a no-no.

Revlon Can't Win the Youth Game

The other night I saw the first Revlon commercial starring 38-year-old actress and new spokeswoman Jennifer Connelly. Unfortunately they made her up like a Robert Palmer girl and aged her up about 10 years (photo at left), but she's a great pick for the brand nonetheless. It got me thinking...

As far as representing the "mature woman," Revlon has nailed it, haven't they? Every ambassador is classy, beautiful and talented. But when it comes to twenty-somethings, they pick the most unlikeable chicks in Hollywood. The latest (as of Monday)? Jessica Biel.

Check out the stats:

Age 30-50
Jennifer Connelly (Oscar winner)
Halle Berry (Oscar winner)
Julianne Moore (Oscar nominee)
Susan Sarandon (Oscar winner)
Elle MacPherson (actress, model, prestige business owner)

20-somethings
Kate Bosworth (never been in a good film, totally unhealthy)
Jessica Alba (never been in a good film)
Jessica Biel (never been in a good film, kind of a man)

If Revlon wants to capture ANY of the youth market they need to step it up and at least pick someone with a personality. Then again, if your best product is lipstick, is aiming older a bad idea?

Do you wear lipstick?
	Often
	Occasionally
	Never

See What Happens When I Take A Break?

YIKES! Sorry for the 8 day hiatus. Having recently adopted one of the hottest trends of the year (unemployment), your ever-fashion-hungry editor wandered away from the laptop for a while to reflect. This week we're back with a ton of news, reviews (Dermalogica Age Smart thermal exfoliant scrub and SPF 30 lotion, two new gels from Bumble and Bumble, Origins Bedtime Spray, Cover Girl Exact Eyelights) and features on where and how to get the wardrobe upgrades you need, so check back daily!

Just to get started, I'll show you one item you might have missed thanks to my absence. I gotta get to a Kohl's and smell this nightmare concoction - which I imagine contains the essence of an anime lunchbox filled with cigarettes, pleather accessories and dried up eyeliner:

Lohan Tan (Sevin Nyne) Launches April 15

[Sevin Nyne campaign image via PeopleStyleWatch.com]

Ever look at Lindsay Lohan's fake-bake and think "I want that!"?
a.) You should be shot
b.) You can get her new tanning spray "Sevin Nyne" (I think that's probably really how she spells it) for $35 and your self-respect at Sephora.com on April 15 and in stores on May

Ashlee's Tees

Ashlee Simpson for Wet Seal, $19.50

Have you seen these Wet Seal monstrosities yet? As a general rule, I don't wear people's faces on my shirts. It's just weird to look at someone's face and look down and see someone else's (if you have boobs or a gut, distorted) face.
In the case of the above shirt, I can't imagine an appropriate occasion to wear it until they implement National Scare Off Prospective Mates Day.

"Todays Gucci Woman" is a Ho

Crap actress and babydaddy stealer Claire Danes has been tapped to be the new face for this fall's Gucci fine jewelry ad campaign. Creative director Frida Giannini told WWD Danes is a "modern icon and one of the most interesting young actresses on the international scene. Claire's sensual, confident beauty and her passionate, independent and strong character embodies today's Gucci woman."
Hang on one moment... I just need to wipe the vomit off of my shoes.
Last I checked someone who bones another womans dude when the woman is 7 months preganant with said dudes baby is not an "independent and strong character," shes a lecherous, co-dependent skank. Whose acting chops, might I add, could use some expansion beyond hair tucking and chin-quivering.
I miss the good old days when models reigned supreme in ad campaigns, and not actresses and "socialites." Am I alone in this?
They should have called Evan Rachel Wood and Angelina Jolie and launched a Homewreckers collection.

Eww!

Apparently a LOT of us are wearing squished beetles and whale vomit. Right now.

Walgreens Wear?

Nope, it's not a hoax like the buzz about George Clooney launching a fashion line. Sadly, it's for real.
Skanky drugstore chain Walgreens is launching an apparel brand called Casual Gear that will include suburban errand-running staples such as yoga pants and quilted vests, retailing from $6.99-$14.99.
Gross.
I've never stepped inside a Walgreens I believed would pass health code standards in a zoo. Not to mention that the service is invariably horrible because they're typically staffed by a menopausal ex-junkie named Sharon and several foreigners who would just as easily stone you to death for wearing pants as ring up your bottle of Suave. Cute commercials though. Apparently that's where the Walgreen Co. budget goes...
I can't wait to get a few pics of the line. Think they'll show at fashion week this fall?! OMG!

More Reasons to Hate Olsens

Want a piece of this, Mary-Kate?

The Olsen twins' expensive yet suck-tastic "high fashion" line The Row this season is offering a $4500 coat made of kangaroo fur.
Beyond that being gross, bizarre and mean... I just don't see why they don't use their own hair. In fact, I don't see why they aren't forced into a boxing match with each kangaroo to determine whose hair will be made into a coat.

A Trend I'll Pass On

I'm just not a fan of people's natural body smells. Oily-scalp/dirty-hair tops the list of things that make me want to die when pressed up against someone in the confines of a subway train. So this? This scares me.
If you live around other human beings, wash your fucking hair at least every third day. And if you choose to forsake a considerate level of hygiene, please move to a remote corner of the earth where no one can smell you and take those people who use crystal deodorant with you.

I Dare You...

Worst. Mascot. Ever.

Oh, KMart. Why can't you ever get it right? Not once have you ever offered anything remotely hip in the way of clothing. Is your professional trendspotter a one-eyed Quasimodo living in a basement in Mormon country? Is your head buyer an ex-con named Starkeisha who thinks G-Unit is the Marc Jacobs of the future? You need help.
Unfortunately the only way you're asking for it is through a crappy "style ambassador" contest that allows the winning entrant ONE DAY to weigh in on your designs. And even more unfortunately that person will be someone who aspires to win the other part of the prize, $10,000 in Kmart gift cards. That person will probably not tell you how far off the mark you are.
Seriously, your two latest attempts at hipness? Piper&Blue and Wckd? (Check them out if you have a nearby bag to vomit in.)
To the public, I dare you to enter the contest when it starts March 9 in the worst outfit you can conjure. www.kmart.com/style (which isn't up yet, of course)

Copycats May Soon Be Jailbirds

Copying. It's something we all have been annoyed by and accused of at one time or another, even way back in grade school. Some say the greatest compliment is imitation, and I tend to agree. On the other hand-- how can you determine whether that person stole your idea in the first place? How do you know you didn't unknowingly steal the idea from someone else? No one can trace the root of an original idea, especially in terms of style. (Check out this great article in the UK Telegraph on the subject.)
Still, the who started it fashion battles have been going on forever. Back in the grunge days, it was Courtney Love vs. Kat Bjelland on who invented the "kinderwhore" look. Just this past fall, Kate Moss started a ruckus at a wedding accusing Sienna Miller of hijacking her boho aesthetic. But, did they both steal it from Mary Kate Olsen? And did she steal it from Stevie Nicks? Who probably stole it from someone else?
Can you really say who started it, when all fashion (and music and art and everything creative) is just bits and pieces of other things? Well kids, it's up to Congress now.
It's a battle of high end designers vs. the folks who knock off styles at prices we the masses can swing.
Want to guess whose side I'm on?
If I were the high end designers, I'd be proud to know the world was following my lead and fewer people were out there dressing like shit thanks to my inspiration-- whether they do it in my $10,000 piece or the $19.99 version at Forever 21. Take that elitist attitude and shove it up your rich asses.

(Photo: Mick Murray)

When You Say No to Zoe

Apparently Rachel Zoe got shut out of the Marc Jacobs show (pics here) because she was late, and then started screaming and cursing and trying to plow past the bouncers even though she's built like a splinter spearing a raisin. Classy!

Here's the convo one dude overheard at the afterparty:
RZ: Literally, Marc, it took me 45 minutes to go twenty blocks. I get out of the car, I get to the gate, they’re like, “It’s started,” and I go “You don’t understand, he’s my friend, I gotta fucking get in there!” I was so mad.
MJ: I know, Jason told me.
RZ: Oh my God, I was so mad.

I will bet you 8 million dollars he rolled his eyes as he walked away from her.

Phasing Out the (Literally) Fishy Products

(Image: Natalie Dee, who is so cool.)

Eww! Did you know a lot of cosmetic products contain oil from shark livers? SHARK LIVERS.
And not even just some weirdo $800 French eye cream company-- Unilever brands like Dove, Ponds and Vaseline use it in creams, glosses and lotions. Shu Uemura uses it in some lipsticks.
The ingredient is called "squalane" or "squalene." Keep an eye out for it, as it's still on the shelves.
Fortunately because of pressure from save the whales types (and possibly an anti-grossness activist or two), they're "phasing out" the fish squish this year and replacing it with something plant based. L'Oreal used to use it in all of their skincare products, but stopped in 2006.

First The Posh, Now the Wintour

(Images: PerezHilton.com)

Bob with Blunt Bangs. Is it okay to rock the triple-B in anything but a wig if you're not a toddler? My feeling is, probably not. Katie's hair looks like it's having her face for lunch. Though, on the other hand, at least part of her is eating...

$650 Pussy

Let me preface this post: I know. I'm a total loser for being 27 and not Asian and loving Hello Kitty. It's obnoxious-- borderline lunchbox purse obnoxious-- but I just can't help it.
That's how I ended up on the Sanrio site today, where I discovered their new collection by handbag designer Rebecca Minkoff. And in it, this ugly ass bag (with a cute lining, sure) selling for $650! Wtf?I hope it at least comes with a free pair of matching orthopedic shoes.

Let There Be Dimmer Switches

Light can be terribly unfair. Every morning I spend a bunch of time (okay 5 minutes) getting all fresh and pretty in the mirror and no matter what effort I put in, how meticulously I apply my concealer, by the time I walk into the flourescent puke light of the bathroom at work I want to dive face first into a Botox needle and shake down the nearest Avon sales lady for everything she's got.
Similarly, certain store dressing rooms seem to have been designed by sadistic fags who like to send women screaming from their own reflections by either top or side lighting.
Top lighting casts shadows down, making noses look longer, accentuating lopsided boobage (all women are, and we will be until the day you can Photoshop reality), and turning tiny paunches into virtual pregnancies.
Side lighting, it's equally-evil friend, highlights texture. Texture on ass = cellulite.
Oh I know, "Pix you're so thin." Shut up. No one no matter how bird-boned and anorexic, no girl is spared her spoonful of "cottage cheese." Not even supermodels. Google the terms "Karolina Kurkova" and "cellulite," why don't you? You'll see what I mean.
Two noted offenders in the world of retail? H&M and, I hear, Victoria's Secret.
Just this summer I tried on a bikini in an H&M dressing room. I won't describe what I saw in the mirror, but let's just say I threw the bikini at the attendant's face as I stormed out.
Unfortunately for her face, I bet I wasn't the only one.
(Note: Special thanks to "she who shall remain anonymous" whose wedgied ass I photographed in college as an art project. And the top photo is me in bed circa fall 1999.)