WTF: Swimsuit Vending Machines

This Sunday The Standard hotel chain (L.A., Hollywood, New York, and Miami locations) will debut a swimsuit vending machine offering a bikini in three sizes and a pair of boardshorts for men, each costing about $75. The hotel partnered with Quiksilver to offer this innovation in convenience.

What happens if it gets stuck on the hook like that bag of Cheetos so often does? Pop in another $75? I suppose if you're paying for a room, drinks, etc. at The Standard, that won't be a problem.

Crabtree and Evelyn Goes Under

The purveyor of old lady soaps and lotions filed Chapter 11 yesterday, according to WWD. I suspect the reason is not the bad economy, but one of the following:

1.) It's a beauty business with the word "crab" in it's name
2.) Their target demographic is old ladies, and they totally die

Another Euro ShopThat Needs to Emigrate

NV is based in Ireland, and only ships to the UK at this point. But they have such cute dresses!
(I love the third from the left - I may need to con an expat friend into shipping it to me...)

It's On: Project Runway vs.The Fashion Show

Season 6 of Project Runway will premiere at its new home on the Lifetime Network on Thursday, August 20 at 10PM. The core cast of judges will all be there (Heidi Klum, Tim Gunn, Michael Kors and Nina Garcia) despite speculation about Nina's return. This time around Nina isn't repping ELLE Magazine though -instead she's pimping Marie Claire, where she is now fashion director.

The show will be followed by an hour long spinoff called Models of the Runway, a.k.a. Project Runway but from the models' perspective. None of those mannequins seemed all too fascinating, so we'll see how that works out. Worth the production costs? I doubt it!


Clearly Bravo lost the legal battle over P.R., but they aren't out of the fashion reality TV game yet. Their new show "The Fashion Show" (OMG so creative) premieres next Thursday, May 7 at 10PM. Yes, THE SAME TIME SLOT! Guess they want to kick P.R.'s ass in the most direct way possible. It's hosted by adorable designer Isaac Mizrahi, and Destiny's Child backup bitch Kelly Rowland, who so far as I know has no experience in the industry beyond donning Beyonce's mom's awful designs.

The other similarity? Tim Gunn is the Chief Creative Officer for Liz Claiborne. Where does Isaac Mizrahi work? Liz freaking Claiborne! He's the Creative Director (so he's totally Tim Gunn's boss, right?) Hope they don't have to share a cubicle.

Notes on the Oscars

Fugliest Accessorization
Amy Adams' necklace was a beaded bib nightmare. You don't throw a mardi-gras looking melee of color up next to a dress that's already, boned, piped, draped and bright red.
Angelina Jolie looks like she bought her earrings in the checkout line at the Christmas Tree Shop. Side note - she might as well wear the same dress to everything, because she always looks the same! And bitch, dont tell me you dont have time to dress shop with 85 kids, we all know you have more nannies than Obama has secret service agents.

Saddest Detail
Sarah Jessica Parker's dress would have been fabulous if the attached belt didn't have a big honkin' BUCKLE on it. The muted gray-green chiffon with white gold beading was ethereal and gorgeous

Most Orange
Valentino. As always. And Natalie Portman clearly spent a tad too long in the booth at the Syosset Spray Tans n' More. (But her Rodarte dress was killer.)

Pretty Girl in an Ugly Dress (x2)
Anne Hathaway's Armani Prive gown on the red carpet was a fantastic work of art that unfortunately fit as flattering as a suit of armor and totally washed her gorgeous complexion out. Clearly she couldn't sit down in it either, because she changed into a weirdly cheap looking Macy's prom dress/ figure skating costume for the sit down part of the show.

Fugly Girl in a Pretty Dress
Miley Cyrus' dress was age-appropriate, glamorous and almost vintage looking. Unfortunately is was worn by a rude teenaged hillbilly who couldn't act her way off the Disney Channel

Fiercest Cougar
Meryl Streep was the epitome of understated chic in her off the shoulder, draped gray gown. But she could have worn the hair a bit lower and looser to age her down a bit.
(Also - Sophia Loren is a surgical nightmare - I couldnt get past her face to notice her dress)

Worst Hair
Marilyn Manson's former statutory rape victim Evan Rachel Wood looked like a pinhead. The 'do looked like it shot straight out of a Dairy Queen dispenser. Her Ellie Saab dress was gorgeous but totally the wrong color for her.

Best Hair
Jennifer Aniston looked young and elegant with her fishtail braid headband and loose waves. I hate hard-hair with formal gowns! It's all about juxtaposition, people. Her dress was also flattering and glamorous. And I just have to draw the comparison - she really did look better than the bitch who boned her husband right out from under her a few years ago.

Best Dresses (surprisingly on people I hate!)
Marisa Tomei in silver fan-pleated Versace
Penelope Cruz in vintage Balmain (although the faux fringe was a mistake! Talk about awkward hair.)
Marion Cotillard was one of the few who amped up the drama in her sapphire and onyx gown. Leave it to the Europeans, ladies.
Jessica Biel's (man in a skirt alert!) bloused out bow was structure done right (Heidi Klum's stupid dress, take note)

Worst Dresses
Was megabeard Vanessa Hudgens wearing craft store bouquet with a feather jammed into it?
Reese Witherspoon had WAY too much going on. I didn't know where to look.
Even gorgeous Amanda Seyfried from Big Love couldn't overcome the frump of this prom/mother-of-the-bride trash heap.

Notes:
Loved Mickey Rourke rocking it scumbag style in Jean Paul Gaultier. Tuxedos are SO boring.
Tina Fey looked beautiful - hair, makeup and the dress were all choice. She's got such a bangin' body!

Will Topshop NYC Ever Open?

The NYC Topshop flagship was supposed to open in September 2008...then November 2008...on Jan. 5 it was leaked that the opening would be March 26, 2009 at 9 p.m. The next day it was reported a fire broke out in the store. Causing further delays? Who knows.

What's the real holdup, I wonder? Money problems? Perfecting the in-store Kate Moss shrine? Seems top secret, whatever it is. Their website offers no info on the new location.

My Blogging Soul Mate

Yes. I found her. There is finally someone out there on the fashion blogosphere that has the same opinions about Dov Charney as I do:

The Office's Mindy Kaling. Check it out.

Also, AA's new circle scarf seems that it can do just about anything. [Insert a sexual joke that Dov Charney would probably make here.]

Milan's Convict Chicks Break In to Fashion

In Europe, even their prisoners are more stylish than ours. Not only that, but in Milan's San Vittore prison, they have a fashion design workshop staffed by inmates whose designs are being backed by big name fashion folk like Anna Molinari and even work on costumes used in large theater shows. They've even had runway shows INSIDE the prison.
In addition, inmates have launched their own line of t-shirts under the label Jail Cats.
Struggling Parsons grads take note-- doing illegal shit in Milan may lead to a promising career. So get hookin'.

Nina Judges Birth Control Fashion?

Yikes. Heightening speculation that she's completely out of an Elle gig and desperate, Project Runway judge Nina Garcia is now playing judge for a package design contest for Yaz birth control pills.

Women on Bras (and Vice Versa)

Just last night I tried to explain to my male companion what it feels like to have a bra on.
"All day I just want to rip it off and scratch my boobs," I said.
(A horrified expression ensued.)
Today, having decided I was one of the "80%" of women wearing the wrong sized bra, I locked myself in a department store dressing room with about 16 in various shapes and sizes. I think I ended up with the "right" size, but I'll never know until I let one of those weird old ladies that do "bra fittings" feel me up. (If you are so inclined, you can get one at an Intimacy specialty store or any large department store; Macy's, JC Penney, Nordstrom, Dillard's and Bloomingdale's all do them.)
Coincidentally, Consumer Reports released the results of a survey today revealing these findings about women and bras:

- Women own an average of 9 bras, but only wear 6 on a regular basis.
(The other three are decorated with Swarovski crystals and/or loaded with padding intended to smash our tits into some Maxim-esque shape for the brief viewing pleasure of some idiot --who would never treat his junk with such disrespect-- and probably hurt like hell. )
- The average woman purchased 4 bras in the past year.
(Do you know how long that process took me today? Like an hour. Fuck that.)
- 80% of women say they would never go out in public without a bra.
(20% of women either love Jesus a bit too much or have massive jugs.)
- Over one-third (34%) of women take action to enhance their bra size.
(At least 34% of women have sex with men. Also, I love how they use the term "take action." Like its a fucking public initiative.)
- Matching bra and panties is not a priority for 58% of women.
(42% of women should be shot.)

I Hate Agyness Deyn

I'm dying to know if I'm the only one who was over British model Agyness Deyn (real name Laura Hollins) before they even met her.
Named Model of the Year at the 2007 British Fashion Awards, she's been all over the runways and the magazines lately, not to mention the party pages wearing awful Cosby Show castoffs like the above sweater and pretending to be a DJ (P.S. does every young famous idiot have to pretend that? Is it a law?)
She has one of the most boring faces I've ever seen-- literally off a doll assembly line-- with no character whatsoever. Legend of Billie Jean haircut aside, she's nothing unique. She looks like a boy I wouldn't want to fuck (uh, and anyone who knows me knows I'm game for a girly-man.) But everyone from W Magazine to Perez Hilton thinks she's the balls.
Am I missing something?

Blogger Bias?

Today's New York Times contained an article called "Beauty Bloggers Come of Age: Swag, Please!" which has caused a minor uproar with pr folks and bloggers alike.
Just wanted to add a little comment from my perspective, as this blog from time to time contains reviews of products:
Yes! I totally get free samples from companies. It's fun to get to try things without commitment and figure out what rocks and sucks without opening my wallet, and in turn help you spend your money wisely.
I tend to post on the extremes-- the products I adore, and in the odd case, one that is completely heinous. Mediocre reviews only get posted when the product is so hyped I feel the need to weigh in. But in most cases, the merely "okay" items go unmentioned, tossed in the trash or given away after I test them. And to be honest, more go in that direction than not. My time is valuable, so why waste it (and my readers') featuring something not worth hearing about?
Companies take a risk when they send me something, because I can say whatever I want, or nothing at all. They know that, and it's their choice.
I started doing my own reviews because of the obvious bias of ad-reliant magazines - I wanted people to have a source they could actually trust. At the time, I felt I didn't have one despite my stack of subscriptions.
Because my site doesn't benefit or bomb from how pleased a company is, but from how useful or useless I am to you readers, I have the freedom to tell you the unedited, insensitive truth. I plan to keep it that way.

Galliano: A Reminder to Rock It

For the most part fashion week tends to be pretty "eh" -- so often just a blur of regurgitated cuts and inoffensive neutrals-- the large exception always being John Galliano for Dior.
Galliano is the one designer who will always, always remove you from reality to experience fashion as he does-- in grandiose terms. He only seems to prune back his wild ideas here and there, as gently and thoughtfully as if they were bonsai trees.
The designer himself is a work of art to boot, a shape-shifting Bowie of a man who could easily pass for a circus ringmaster, a pirate or Goldilocks on any given day.
Um, shyah, I know you and I will never wear any of these pieces in real life. (Can you imagine your friends trying to help you stuff your voluminous drunk ass into a cab at 3 a.m. in one of these things?) But take a look anyway. It's a nice reminder that fashion should always be more than function. It should be an extension of your mind, your imagination. You have the power to be whatever you want. And there are no rules.

Gay Monday

Just an old picture of fagtastic Michael Kors to brighten your Monday:

From Black Book Magazine

Like That Artist Guy

Yves St. Laurent resort 2008
(Photo: Don Ashby, Style.com)

The peeps at Neiman Marcus say paint splats are an upcoming trend for spring.
I vote DIY on this one. (Acrylics are your best bet.) Or go all out and get it done by a real kindergartener.
Cause admit it-- your mom was totally right back in the day, when she refused to buy you jeans with holes already in them. Even if they did look just like Debbie Gibson's.

Small Bites

So, Marc Jacobs told New York Magazine he wants his own reality show. Drugs + hair dye + revolving gold-digging rentboys + anal sex? Paris Hilton might sue for infringement, but I'd watch. Would you?
***
First her robot haircut and now her robot dress. Why do women want to copy Posh Beckham? I can only imagine pig-nose rhinoplasty is next.
***
Does The Costume Institute want my asinine comments? I'm willing to find out.
***
God, just when they started making panties that fit properly, I have to boycott this asshole company. Four cents an hour? I'd feel better if I could just adopt one of these ladies and maker her my personal panty-maker. One pair a day is all I ask. And I don't slap (often.)

Bad Teeth, But Better Sense

The British Fashion Council gave out their awards last night. Fascinating. Dame Vivienne Westwood won something, again. Model of the Year? Kate, of course.
I poked around on the BFC site (nice design, btw) for the first time today and came across the results of an independent study they asked a panel-- including model Erin O'Connor, 29, (her UK Vogue blog here) and last year's "Designer of the Year" Giles Deacon -- to put together regarding weight issues in the industry. A poll they commissioned revealed that 27 percent of models say they were under 16 when they did their first show, and 12.5 percent under 15. All because the standard is getting too skinny for even mid to upper teens to achieve. 71 percent say they see the trend going thinner and thinner. Gross.
As a result of these findings, a ban was implemented by the BFC this year barring girls under 16 from modeling adult fashion on the runways during London Fashion Week, attempting to curb the projection of the unattainable prepubescent frame as ideal.
I popped over to the Council of Fashion Designers of America's site to see if we did anything similar in New York. The issue isn't so much as mentioned, while the BFC site even had links to eating disorder education resources and programs.
Yep. Americans may be the fattest people in the world, but we sure do hate ourselves the most for it! Bring on the underdeveloped 4th graders...

Cruel: Not Cool

As a mother of three Humane Society and Animal Rescue League shelter-adopted furballs, the sight of real animal fur on anything but the living breathing creature itself triggers in me a reflex of nausea. Still, though I believe in their cause, PETA's extremist tactics too closely resemble terrorism and I think they do more harm than good in terms of rallying support.
I'm all about The Humane Society of the United States, who do a great Cool vs. Cruel fashion design competition every year to draw positive attention to compassionate designers who preserve life by going faux. This year Tim Gunn himself was a judge.

First place: Jolie Benner of Portland, OR Second: Nathan Carter of Ft. Lauderdale, FL Third: Julia An of Seattle, WA People's Choice: Stephanie Womack of Dallas, TX

You can check out all the entries here.
(Images: Seventh House PR)

Also on their site they offer a list of retailers and designers who do not use real fur in their designs:
Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Ann Taylor, Anthropologie, Ashley Paige, Banana Republic, Benjamin Cho, Betsey Johnson, Burton Snowboards, Carhartt, Champs Sports, Charlotte Russe, Club Monaco, Coldwater Creek, Columbia Sportswear Company, Delia's, Dollhouse, Duckie Brown, Eastbay, Eddie Bauer, Eileen Fisher, Esprit, Express, Footaction, Foot Locker, Forever 21, Gant, The Gap, Inc., H&M, Hollister, J, Crew, J, Jill, Jay McCarroll, Katharine Hamnett, Kenneth Cole, Limited Brands, Linda Loudermilk, Lucky Brand Jeans, Madewell, Marc Bouwer, Mountain Hardware, Nicole Miller, Old Navy, Pacific Trail, Patagonia, Paul Frank, Piperlime, Polo Ralph Lauren, PrAna, REI, Richard Chai, RRL, Rugby, Sorel, Stella McCartney, The Talbots, Inc., The Limited, Todd Oldham, Timberland, Topshop, Uniqlo, Urban Outfitters, Vans, Victoria Bartlett/VPL, Victoria's Secret, Zara.

* Calvin Klein , Guess/Marciano, Tommy Hilfiger all swear they will go faux by Spring 2008.

Thanksgiving is a week from Thursday, so if you're feeling thankful for that special natural, rightful fur-owner in your life (past or present!), think about making a donation today.

Neurotoxins Are So Last Season

So, I finally checked that site to see which lipsticks were full of lead. This is the word:

Among the leading brands found to contain high levels of lead were:

L’Oreal Colour Riche “True Red” – 0.65 ppm

L’Oreal Colour Riche “Classic Wine” – 0.58 ppm

Cover Girl Incredifull Lipcolor “Maximum Red” – 0.56 ppm

Christian Dior Addict “Positive Red” – 0.21 ppm

- The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics

Page 10 of the report, "A Poison Kiss," has a longer list of culprits, and gives some context as to how high these levels really are (pretty freaking high.) The report isn't a complex read, just an interesting one. If you finish it and find yourself pissed off, you can take action here.

(Image is property of The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics)